This is a recollection of one person’s perspective on real lived events. This person is a human, so all things that are applicable for a human are applicable for this person: they are imperfect, they literally cannot know everything, and emotions are almost always at play. In fact, please remember these facts in regards to all parties discussed, as these people are human, also.
Have compassion. Please.
I don’t think any other person has treated me so horribly in my life. There was one other moment that it reminded me of, but those had been pretty different circumstances. It reminded me of a situation that happened back in high school. My… best friend eventually with benefits had me in what felt like a hostage situation at her place. We were best friends for several years, and then in high school when “dating” started being a thing we got involved.
It was a mistake, but it felt natural because she was my other half. I’d join her and her dad on road trips and camping trips. We had a Chinese food restaurant we’d go to every Saturday where we’d order the same thing we ordered every other Saturday. She read me the strategy guide for Resident Evil 4 (Game Cube) from the bottom bunk while I controlled Leon from the top, and it was wonderful and terrifying and still one of my fondest memories.
Before high school she had moved. We were on opposite sides of the city, basically, but I had my poor Granny driving me over and picking me up every weekend. Other friends started to cause issues, along with our own teenage angst. As the bottom was all falling out of it, I realized that the feelings I thought I had been acting on weren’t really there like that.
I didn’t handle it well, obviously. I was like fourteen or fifteen, and I wasn’t considering her feelings. I couldn’t ignore the lack of them on my part, though, so one morning, after the first night at her house, I wanted to leave. She had done something that made me uncomfortable, and I was ready to not be doing whatever this was we were doing. She didn’t take it well. It was pretty common for us to have disagreements that would result in me calling my grandma to pick me up early, but I think she knew this time I probably wasn’t going to come back.
The situation escalated, and I think she took my phone. I can’t really remember, but I wasn’t able to call my grandma because she was blocking me in some way. At one point she had me pinned against a wall in her bedroom; she put a hole through the living room wall at another. Thankfully, I was able to get my phone back, but she kept trying to get it from me and wouldn’t let me make the call.
So, I ran out the front door and down the stairs to where I thought I’d be free, but she was still coming at me. I kept running and ended up doing something I think my dad would have laughed at if I’d ever told him. At the time, I wasn’t in the best shape, but I’ll just say I was in better shape than she was. So I ran in a big loop to get myself between her and the 20 or so stairs leading to her front door, and this ended up working out pretty well.
I sprinted up the stairs with plenty of distance and locked the screen door behind me. She made it upstairs seconds later and furiously yelled at me to unlock the door. After putting a hole in the wall, she was probably hesitant to damage anything else.
I’m kind of feeling it now as I relive the memory, but I was psyched. Not to say I was excited or stoked, but my body was in an activated state. I was probably filled with adrenaline, but I remember all my muscles trembling– and I was trying to chill out to make the phone call now that I could. After I got off the phone with the angel I was given at birth, I let this person back into the house and was able to gather my stuff. That’s kind of where the memory of that event stops in my head.
That friendship never really recovered, but these days we’re pretty amicable in our interactions online. Apologies have been exchanged, and I think it’s safe to say we’ve both grown a lot in our own worlds. Which brings me back to why this memory is coming to me now. #3 was in that same energy I had experienced from this friend all those years ago: volatile, very deep emotions, not a lot of practice or help with channeling them in a healthy way and currently feeling threatened (likely with abandonment).
There were a few key differences this time, however:
Firstly, I didn’t have a ride. There was nobody that I could think of to call that 1. would come get me, 2. was around at the time and 3. would be able to make it up the shitty snowy hill to where she lived. There was no public transit. Uber and Lyft effectively do not exist here. I had a lot of my belongings with me because the plan had been for us to go on this trip together. Which brings me to a second big difference…
The big event that happened with my friend in high school didn’t happen the night before such a trip. My mom had passed away during the time we were friends, and this friend had been there for me. No matter what kind of bullshit was happening between us, she was always respectful about my mom’s passing and my feelings. I don’t really believe she would pull a stunt on me the night before my mom’s funeral– because she didn’t.
Here I am 19 years later. My father has recently passed, and tomorrow morning I’m driving south for several hours to meet up with my family for his memorial. The person who’s successfully convinced me that she loves me and that we’ve been exclusive for five years of on-again-off-again delight has put me in a situation where she is my only way out.
I don’t want to seem like I’m being dramatic. I did have one other option. I probably could have abandoned everything I had with me, knowing she wasn’t going to be respectful about whatever she ended up doing with it. I could have left her house, walked down the hill, found my way to the highway– maybe tried to hitch hike. A compassionate person would probably be at least a little bothered if they saw someone walking down a mountain highway as a blizzard was starting; not #3, though. She kind of insisted that this is what I do. If I wasn’t going to grovel, submit to the dominance of her emotions, come quietly— I might as well be made to walk 20 miles home during a winter storm.
And my brothers and sister that I overspent on an airbnb to get lodging with? Fuck em, I guess. I knew going into this that she didn’t respect me. I don’t know why I didn’t extend that in my mind to my family. One of a few revelations that finally clicked for me that week: She’s no family of mine.
Which doesn’t really lead us to the last significant difference of this situation, but I want to bring attention to it anyway. This is 19 years later. #3 and I were born a day apart, so we are both 32 years old at this moment. And this grown person who should be my equal, my partner, my lover, my best friend… is offering me zero empathy in a situation where she knows any person would need something.
She had agreed to do this with me. We were going to take her car, so we drove into town earlier to drop mine off and pick up the things I was going to bring. It is now about bedtime the night before we’re meant to head out, and she’s acting kind of erratic.
She hasn’t packed at all and doesn’t seem intent on doing so. She just seems really on edge and telling me she’s scared. I tell her that I don’t want her to feel pressured to come on the trip if it is going to be too stressful and unpleasant for her. That it would be okay. That I wasn’t upset, but if she wasn’t prepared to come with me that I needed her to bring me home that night.
She turned it inward, said that she didn’t want to be a burden and immediately the night along with any optimism for doing this trip together was lost. I felt myself starting to lose my cool like I used to. Like I used to before I’d start shouting. Like I used to before I’d hurt the walls or hurt myself. Before I’d run away long enough to start feeling like the problem and come crawling back asking for forgiveness.
But this time I was Bruce fucking Banner. I didn’t shout. I kept my head on. I did cry a lot, but when my brain (as I’d trained it to do) went to consider self-harm as a means of making her care, the thought was discarded immediately. I finally, really loved myself, and I wasn’t going to hurt myself intentionally for anybody ever again.
I actually opened up instead. I started talking about how scared I was to be relying on someone who resented me so much and at such a sensitive time. She didn’t respond or make any sign of acknowledgement, but I had honestly impressed myself in that moment. And I said to her that night, “I am not going to let you turn me into the person I used to be.”
So, that’s some of that. Fun!
This is going to take a long time, but I’m determined to see it through.
There is a link in the about me page for support and donations if you’re interested in this project getting pushed higher on my priorities list. There are other things I’ll be prioritizing for stability purposes otherwise.
Either way, thank you for making it this far. You are appreciated. c:
Stay safe out there.
to the depths 
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