I remember feeling in high school like I could never really nail down my “identity.” I felt like I was always molding to whoever I was around, just trying to fit in. I don’t know how much of that was just being a teenager, but I was definitely under the impression that other people had a better general idea of what they were about.

I am an enneagram 9w8; The Peacemaker with a Challenger wing. The one-winged angel. Something something Sephiroth. The Enneagram taught me that my type generally avoids conflict to the neglect of voicing my own opinion (the 8-wing just makes things a little spicier).

I have a natural tendency to go with the group, and, on a deeper subconscious level, reduce the potential for anyone to single me out or direct bad emotions at me because they felt some sorta way about my preference.

I started to think of my life and how I’d generally go along to get along in most situations. I would go with the flow of things, and, I thought that was a virtue.

Gaining the understanding that this was an inherent behavior to my type led me to have more awareness around it as a defense mechanism. It might be good to be able to connect and relate with many different people, but I need to be authentic. I need to be willing to be different.

I need to show up as I am regardless of how other people feel about it. Because if I’m not being myself, then who are these people really relating to? If a person befriends a version of myself that I’ve tailored to them, specifically, what happens when I express something that doesn’t align with that vision?

What happens when my values conflict with the version of me that this person is connecting with? Do I uphold the façade and compromise the values that are true to me, or do I remove the mask and risk alienating a “friend?”

Thankfully, I’m learning that there are people who want that in relationships. There are people who may not agree with your ideas, but they vibrate at the same frequency. They want authentic people that they can be authentic with.

You can find friends and partnerships with people who don’t blow up when you disagree. There are people who don’t take offense when you call them out and who don’t view you as “fake” or “performative” when you change your opinion on something.

Part of being alive is having and utilizing the capacity to change yourself. You are a dynamic human. You will meet many people and (hopefully) see many places. You will experience many things. You are meant to evolve through it all. Grow.

I think it’d be purdy cool if more people were willing to disagree with the group. You start to see who it’s safe to be you around and who isn’t. And the new people you start attracting tend to be the safe ones.

As a recovering people pleaser, I must say it is SO refreshing when I can speak plainly with people. You have to be able to listen to dissenting opinions if you want to evolve.

Change doesn’t happen in a community of people who agree on everything and question nothing. We need to be open and willing to be wrong. And we need to feel safe in doing so.

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People on social media that I’ve stayed connected to over the years have seen multiple versions of me; a lot of them weren’t pretty and none of them were perfect.

These are people from multiple eras of my life. Each person has a vision of me in their head of who I was when we connected on the physical plane. Each version was as real as I could be with them at the time, but at this point none of them really are.

I am not whoever they’re remembering, and the small window I allow them to peer through when they check up on me online isn’t real either.

Social media is weird like that. It is not a historically “normal” human experience to still be so tethered to all of the people you’ve ever met. That’s a lot of versions of you that don’t exist anymore that you may or may not be trying to maintain the image of.

I certainly found/find it to be exhausting, so I’m spending less time on ig and have deactivated my facebook. I feel like it could be beneficial to take breaks in general, just in case you need or want time to reinvent yourself.

Please don’t stay the same person out of obligation to any other. You are who you choose to be. Be real.